Radio Comedy - February 8

Radio Comedy

February 8, 2012

Now, stay tuned for The Best of (Jock)! Well, actually, it's just plain old regular (Jock) but we've got to do something around here to boost morale.

The following disc jockey is not available in fine stores everywhere — though you might frequently find him charging things there.

This month's Popular Shrink magazine says you are becoming manic-depressive when you start liking cats, put your mother-in-law in your will, and get a ticket to The Jerry Springer Show.

It's hard to change people. I got my parents The Club for Christmas to protect their car. My dad keeps it in the trunk so nobody will steal it.

This just in. A Montana moose today filed a federal anti-discrimination lawsuit, charging he was unlawfully denied permission to join the Elks Club.

What this country really needs is a Dirt Devil strong enough to suck up Howard Stern!

(Guitar) Guitars are sad. They're always getting picked on.

With my voice, I just can't sing. Even when I gargle, it sounds like a garbage disposal with a beer can in it.

I never intended to be a disc jockey. But I didn't have enough money to raise chinchillas.

And coming up next, weather permitting ...
... we'll be talking to Muscles Malone, who has taken up the most difficult winter sport of all -- uphill skiing.

(Sad) That song is so sad, the first time (Other Jock) heard it, he had a lump installed in his throat.

[Falsetto] If his voice was any higher, they could use him for a dog whistle.

[Garble] I've messed up so many times it's starting to sound right.

The main difference between snow skiing and water skiing is long underwear.

I love skiing. I paid $700 for ski clothes, $400 for skis, $300 for ski boots, $35 for a lift ticket, and then I skied down Carpet Hill. I call it Carpet Hill because it cost me $17.95 a yard.

I'll be alright. I've been this way ever since I was a baby. Probably because my mom was a very modest lady who insisted on nursing me through a mohair sweater.

Today's golfing tip. To get more power into your golf swing, try pretending the ball is an IRS auditor.

If I sound kinda strange this morning it's because I'm using my backup tongue. My main tongue is in the shop being refurbished. It was worn clear through to the bone. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

The receptionist is about 35, but her chill factor drops her way below freezing.

It's simple to figure the wind chill factor. Just divide the current temperature by the number of winos you see going into a liquor store.

The snow was so heavy last night, the cops had to use skis to get to the doughnut shop.

Today's traffic report will be followed by a solemn moment of profanity.

Bodies on today's show were buried by Economy Mortuary, where you always have a choice — Regular or Extra Crispy.