This portion of today's program is brought to you by Honest Jerk's Used Cars, where we guarantee if you buy a used car you'll feel like a jerk. Honest.
I'm losing some weight, and I have to give all the credit to my DVD recorder. Now that I can zip through commercials, I don't have as much time to go to the kitchen for snacks.
Today's horoscope. Aries: Your love life tonight depends entirely on the meatloaf.
[goof] It's just amazing, how my brain can get up and leave without even excusing itself.
The Postal Service experimented with using dogsleds to deliver the mail in snowy weather, but it didn't work out. The dogs were too fast.
[wild] I haven't felt such electrifying vibes since I was a kid and lightning struck my braces.
A listener writes: "What should you do when it's freezing outside and your pilot light goes out?"
Well, as quickly as possible, I think I'd set her down at the nearest airport.
Hey, Mamalou, don't just sit there burping your Tupperware, pay attention!
I'm working on a great invention -- Tupperwear. Clothes you can burp.
[Goof]
Maybe this would have been a good day to stay home and call in crazy.
I'll tell you, if today was Show & Tell, I wouldn't show.
The great thing about a skiing vacation is that you know exactly how you'll spend the holidays -- in traction.
Of course, the liberals think if we'd legalize Jerry Springer, only half as many people would watch him.
When women solicit money for immoral purposes, they get arrested. When men do, they get elected.
Where did some of these Winter Olympic events come from? Like the luge. How is sliding down an icy mountain on a cafeteria tray a sport?
And speaking of terrorists, here comes the chief engineer with his screwdriver.
Milk must be good anti-freeze. Think about it. Ever see a cow with a busted radiator?
A guy stopped me on the street in (RICH NEIGHBORHOOD). He said, "Hello, my name is Roger, and I'll be your panhandler this evening." (Toms Lake Humor Company)
[Dead air] I can’t believe this! I can’t think of anything to say. That’s like Bill Gates not having change for a five!
[Nervous] I'll be alright. I've been this way ever since I had to have an emergency appendectomy -- and the only doctor they could find was a proctologist.
Popcorn for today's program was provided by Orville Whopperpopper, maker of the world's first nuclear popcorn. Next time your family nags you for popcorn, pop 'em some Whopperpopper. They'll get a real bang out of it.
Funding for The (Jock) Program is provided by (WJOK), who is solely irresponsible for its content.