Comedy Calendar

March 13, 2011

    Cootchie-cootchie singer-actress Charo is 60 today. Or she might be 70, but back in the ‘70s she had her birth year legally changed from 1941 to 1951. Of course, that means no Medicare until she's 75, so she may want to change it back if her cootchie-cootchie needs health care.

      Today is believed to be Charo's birthday. Charo invented Youth Saving Time by setting her birthday foreward ten years. She may have been born in 1941, but had the year legally changed to 1951. Honest. And it may cause problems, because when Charo dies, they can't legally bury her for ten years.

   That cootchie-cootchie girl, Charo, is 60 today. Well, at least parts of her are 60.
     In 1977 Charo went to court and had her age legally changed to make her 10 years younger. Honest. And to maintain her youthful personna, all she has to do now is have her face legally lifted.

      Dr. V.M. Slipher discovered Pluto on this date in 1930. Pluto was the 9th planet in our solar system; it's only one-tenth as large as Earth, it's 4-billion miles away, has no atmosphere, and apparently serves no purpose whatsoever. Personally, I'm glad I didn't discover it.

     Scientist Joseph Priestly was born on this day in 1733. Priestly was the guy who discovered oxygen in our air. If he was looking for it today, he'd probably have a hard time finding it.

     On this date in 1950 General Motors reported what was then the highest annual corporate profit to that point in history: $656-million. I did some quick figuring. I could accumulate that same amount if I live to the year 7396 -- and if my landlord doesn't raise my rent.

     Singer Neil Sedaka turns 72 today. In the early ‘60s he had a smash hit with "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do," despite the fact that Zsa Zsa Gabor was doing it every three months.

     This is Girl Scout Week, a time set aside to mark the founding of the world's largest voluntary organization for cookies.
     Of course, the Girl Scouts do a lot more than just sell cookies. They also make a lot of money.
     In fact, studies have shown that if we turned over operation of the government to the Girl Scouts, the national debt could be wiped out completely in 21 days.
     And the world's most stable monetary unit would be the new Susan B. Anthony macaroon.

     On this date in 1906 Susan B. Anthony died at age 86. She devoted her life to gaining women the right to vote, but she never got to. Seems that our brave, valiant forefathers were afraid of women.

    Abigail Fillmore was born on this date in 1798. She was the first wife of President Millard Fillmore and also put the first library in the White House. Before that, the only thing to read was a copy of the Constitution Jefferson left in the bathroom.

     The first Bible was printed on this date in 1462. Before that, people had to swear on a stack of pancakes.
     With syrup.
     Talk about messy.

     The planet Pluto was discovered on this date in 1930. Pluto was a little dinky planet 4-billion miles from Earth. If anybody's interested, I can make you a really good deal on it.
     I bought it last year—from a handicapped telephone astronomer.

     Sir William Herschel discovered the 7th planet from the sun, Uranus, on this day in 1781. Uranus is always over a billion miles from Earth. Sounds like a great place to send (Jerry Springer).

     Joseph Priestly was born on this day in 1733. Priestly discovered oxygen. Before that, people just breathed whatever flew up their noses.

     More than 6,400 Utah sheep died mysteriously on this day in 1968, apparently when deadly nerve gas escaped from an Army test site at Dugway Proving Grounds. The Army denied the report, claiming the sheep were known communists and probably committed suicide just to embarrass the U.S. government.

     Today's Exciting Nerve Gas Trivia Question:
     What is nerve gas anyway?
    The most powerful nerve gas is fluoromethylpinacolyloxy- phosphone oxide, an invisible odorless vapor that is rapidly absorbed through the skin, breaks down the nervous system, and causes death within 15 minutes. Not available without a prescription, use only as directed; keep this and all nerve gases out of the reach of sheep.

      First baseman Will Clark is 47 today. During his career, Will  never smiled during a game. He always looked like somebody just spit in his batting helmet.

     The planet Uranus was discovered on this day in 1781. For over 200 years our most brilliant scientists have been studying Uranus, and so far the only thing they know about it is that it's still there, and it's a long way from here.

     Joseph Priestly was born on this day in 1733. Priestly discovered oxygen, carbon monoxide, ammonia, hydrogen, chloride, sulfur dioxide, nitrous oxide, and chlorine. If Priestly had never been born, I might have passed chemistry.

     Joseph Priestly was born on this day in 1733. Joseph invented oxygen. Before that, people just breathed whatever happened to be in the neighborhood.

     Chester Greenwood of Farmington, Maine, invented earmuffs on this day in 1877. Actually, Chester only invented muffs -- ears had been around for a long time.