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Comedy Calendar |
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July 4,
2011
On this day in 1829 Great
Britain’s regular bus service began. And on the 4th of July,
that’s what
they celebrate over there. Today is U.S. Independence Day,
when millions of Americans will celebrate their freedom by barbecuing their noses.
This is Be Nice to New Jersey
Week, so here's some New Jersey trivia. Do you know why New Jersey is called the
"Garden State?" Because so much of it smells like fertilizer." Louis Armstrong was born on July
4th, 1898. He was a jazz trumpet legend with a very distinctive voice. Sort of like Yoda
with strep throat. Be sure to fly your flag today.
Otherwise, Betsy Ross will roll over in her bustle.
Much more
July 4th Fun
Today is Independence Day in the
U.S., marking that fateful day in 1776 when John Hancock put his john hancock on the
Declaration of Independence. Hancock got to sign first because he was the only congressman
with a felt-tipped quill. I think it was very nice of the
founding fathers to sign the Declaration of Independence on a holiday.
Back home on July 4th we'd bake
at the lake all day, then go to the drive-in and see
The Killer Tomatoes Meet Disco
Duck. In 1776 Great Britain was the
greatest power on earth. They had all the ships, all the guns, and all the shoes. There is
no conceivable way the U.S. could have won that war. The only possible explanation is that
all the historians got together and lied.
On this day in 1776 the U.S.
declared its independence from England and King George-the-3rd noted in his diary,
"Nothing of importance happened today." Sometimes I think they drained
out King George's brain oil and replaced it with bacon grease.
July is the month for the Calgary
Stampede, greatest outdoor show on earth. The main event is the chuckwagon races, the
world's smelliest drag races. They stir up so much dust you can't even tell who won. Happy birthday, America. It's
just like the song says, "Another day older and deeper in debt." The U.S. was born on this day in
1776, but remember: to Native Americans, we're still a bunch of immature squirts who had
to be taught how to plant corn, skin buffalo, and play bingo. Roger Williams founded
Providence, Rhode Island, on this day in 1636. He had to. He was kicked out of
Massachusetts for arguing that the Indians should be paid for their land. Personally, I
think the Indians should be grateful. We took their worthless grazing land and clean water
and turned them into the greatest interstate highway system the world has ever known. On this date in 1828 construction
began on the Tremont House in Boston, the first hotel to have indoor bathrooms. Before
indoor plumbing, hotel guests had to call room service. And a bellhop would come up to
your room carrying an outhouse. Today is Independence Day
in the U.S., marking adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain on
this day in 1776. It was a happy day in Philadelphia. The entire Continental Congress was
drunk.
Today is Independence Day,
marking the day we became independent from England. And it's a good thing, too. If we were
still part of England, the national pastime would be cricket. Today is a day for patriotic
speeches. And in their speeches, the politicians embody the spirit of the Liberty Bell --
they're cracked too.
The dumbest July 4th celebration
ever held is the Rubber Chicken Run in Cordova, Alaska. Rubber chickens do not run, humans
run. The prize is a rubber chicken. Tokyo Rose was born on this day
in 1916. During World War II, Rose became infamous for her anti-American broadcasts. She
was such an unpopular broadcaster, if she were alive today she'd probably be known as
Tokyo (Limbaugh). Today is the 4th of July, the
holiday that asks the question, "Which came first, the cherry bomb or the hearing
aid?"
On this date in 1976 Frank
Perkins of San Jose, California, set a world record for sitting on a pole. John Hancock signed the
Declaration of Independence on this day in 1776, declaring the United States to be a free
and independent nation, whose citizens were entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of
one or more major credit cards. Today is Independence Day in the
U.S., marking adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain on this date
in 1776. Ironically, the occasion is also celebrated in Britain, which makes you wonder if
maybe the American Revolution wasn't fixed. Independence Day is a solemn
occasion. Our forefathers made it possible for us to spend the 4th of July surrounded by
our wives, kids, and in-laws, and we honor them anyway. Copyright © 2011 by Joe
Hickman |