Comedy Calendar

February 18, 2012

    Yoko Ono is 79 today. Yoko was very spoiled by her parents. It's understandable. With a voice like that, I'd do anything to keep her from crying too.

     Vanna White is 55 today. Vanna's acting lessons really paid off. When she lights up those letters, she actually looks interested.
     And who else could laugh at Pat's jokes with a straight face?

    Yoko Ono is 79 today. The police always drop in for Yoko's birthday. They're not invited, but she insists on singing "Happy Birthday" to herself, and the neighbors always think her security alarm is going off.

    Alessandro Volta was born in Italy on this day in 1745. Volta invented the Voltaic pile which, thank goodness, has nothing to do with hemorrhoids.
    The Voltaic pile is a device that produces electricity with chemicals, which was a big improvement over the previous method — flying a kite in a thunderstorm.
    Volta also invented volts, not to be confused with amps or ohms. Anybody who doesn't know the difference is asking for trouble when he sticks his finger in a light socket.

    Clyde Tombaugh discovered the planet Pluto on this day in 1930. Originally, Clyde planned to call the planet "Mickey Mouse," but that sounded goofy.
     Today Pluto can be seen just south of the Dog Star orbiting around a fireplug.

     The French explorer LaSalle established the first settlement in Texas on this date in 1685. But LaSalle hated Texas. He looked silly in a 10-gallon beret.
     And filet de rattlesnake gave him gas.

     Yoko Ono is 79 today. Beatles fans who play her recordings backwards discover ... that her singing sounds exactly the same.

      TV’s Vanna White is 55 today, and she still looks great. But it’s hard to tell if Vanna is really that beautiful, or if it’s just because she’s always standing beside Pat Sajak.

      Today John Travolta turns 57. He's extremely popular. Except maybe with the other guys who started with him on "Welcome Back, Kotter."
      John's come a long way since he was a Sweathog. Now he can even talk in complete sentences.

      On this day in 1965, Frank Gifford announced he'd retire from football to become a broadcaster. More recently, Kathie Lee nearly retired his jersey with him in it.

     Actress Cybill Shepherd is 62 today. She's had two successful TV shows: "Moonlighting" and "Cybill." Her first series, "The Yellow Rose," lived up to its name. The show also had a strong fragrance.
     It was cancelled in 1984 and you can still smell it.

     Vanna White turns 55 today. Vanna's always turning something.
     What a life: a million a year, a new party dress every day, and all she has to do is smile and wave "bye-bye." It's enough to make Madonna put on her clothes and learn the alphabet.

     Peter Dowdeswell of England set a world record on this date in 1977 by eating 14 hard-boiled eggs in one minute. Dowdeswell once swallowed 13 raw eggs in one gulp. He was such a champion eater he probably could chug a live chicken without getting feathers in his teeth.

    Actress Cybill Shepherd is 62 today. I wonder how many layers of Clairol that would add up to?

    The planet Pluto was discovered on this day in 1930. Pluto is 3.6 billion miles from the sun. Which means if you lived on Pluto and ordered a pizza from Earth, it would take 18 years to get there. For service like that, I wouldn't tip.