Comedy Calendar

February 15, 2012

    Actress Jane Seymour is 61 today. She's no longer "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman," but she says she's still sore from all those years of horsing around.
    Jane's friends say she's much happier since the show was canceled. And she smells better, too.

     "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman" was my favorite TV show. I can't help it. I just love fantasy westerns where the women and the Indians win.

     Jane's also having memory problems.  Since her soreness is from horsing around on "Dancing with the Stars."

     Canada's new national Maple Leaf flag was first raised on Parliament Hill in Ottawa on this day in 1965. Before that, Canada didn't have a flag. It had an ensign, but not a flag. And since everybody needs a flag to blow in the breeze, Canadians wanted a flag, too. They already had the breeze -- especially on Parliament Hill.

     On this very day in 60 B.C., during the Roman festival honoring the god Pan, Marc Antony created a sensation by running naked through the Forum. Antony's daring act earned him a place in history -- as the first flash in the Pan.

    Feminist Susan B. Anthony, whose picture is on a U.S. dollar coin, was born on this date in 1820. If women really wanted her to be remembered, they should have put her picture on something men see every day, like the Susan B. Anthony TV remote.

     Actress Jane Seymour is 61 today. On TV she was "Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman." She was the only doctor in Colorado Springs, yet she wasn't rich. Because that was back before Medicare.

     The annual Jalapeno Festival is this week in Laredo, Texas. The main event is the big contest to see who can eat the most jalapeno peppers without actually bursting into flames.
     Then, everybody gathers around a giant barrel of Maalox and sings "There'll Be A Hot Time In The Old Gut Tonight."

     The Broadway show "Grease" opened on this day in 1972. "Grease" was inspired by the greasy kid stuff everybody used on their hair in the 1950s. Today some folks still use mousse, which has inspired an updated version of "Grease" -- called "Gunk."

     On this day in 1879 an act of Congress gave women attorneys the right to argue cases before the Supreme Court. Apparently, Congress finally realized that there's just no stopping a woman who wants to argue.

     In Philadelphia on this day in 1768 Benjamin Jackson became the first grocer to sell mustard. Unfortunately, Jackson was not an astute businessman, and he went out of business when he couldn't cut the mustard.

     The first adhesive postage stamp was introduced on this day in 1842 in New York City. Before that, postal customers had to put their own glue on the stamp. Or on the envelope. Or on their tongue.

     The amazing grapefruit squirt protector was patented on this day in 1927. This ingenious device could be fastened to half a grapefruit and prevent sloppy eaters from squirting everybody else at the breakfast table. The inventor would have made a fortune if he could have sold it on the Home Shopping Network.

     Susan B. Anthony was born on this day in 1820. Susan's mom knew her daughter would fight for women's rights. When Susan was born and the doctor slapped her bottom, she sued him for sexual harassment.

     Traditionally, this is National Kraut Week, sponsored by the kraut makers in an effort to stir up a little excitement about kraut.
     Kraut is not one of America's favorite foods. Baskin Robbins has never featured Kraut Sherbet as its Flavor of the Week.
     It's still impossible to buy artificially flavored kraut Jell-O.
     Not one Mexican restaurant serves flat tortillas piled high with krautamole.
     There is no kraut Jelly Belly.
     In other words, gang, if National Kraut Week is to succeed, you're going to have to pitch in, hold your nose, and give it all you've got.

    Actually, now this is National Kraut and Frankfurter Week. So most folks can feel included even if they tell the waitress to hold the kraut.

     Today's exciting Kraut Trivia Question: Who invented sauerkraut anyway?
     Sauerkraut was invented by a German housewife named Sofie Sauer. Sophie would chop up cabbage, then let it spoil, just to have something appropriate to serve with spoiled sausage.

     The first movie version of Dracula was released on this day in 1931. Some people actually believe there are "undead" creatures that live on the blood of the living. In Transylvania these creatures are called "vampires." In the U.S. they're called "IRS agents."

     Harold Arlen was born on this date in 1905. He wrote "Over the Rainbow," which is where birds and little girls with dogs and big imaginations fly to get out of Kansas. Which, according to Hollywood in 1939, was a black and white state in a Technicolor world.