2009-08-15
When I look up at the sky, the one thing I
don't expect to see is my feet. That's exactly
the view I got, though, when a patch of wet,
slippery floor caused my legs to go out from
underneath me and my head to smack the ground as
if I were river dancing upside down.
It was like that scene in "It's a Mad, Mad,
Mad, Mad World" where Ethel Merman slips on a
banana peel, only I think it was funnier when
she did it.
I hit my head so hard I saw "Dancing With the
Stars" — though I suppose the fact that my kids
were watching it on television was a factor.
(In case you haven't seen it, "Dancing With
the Stars" is a show featuring top-name
celebrities like Steve Wozniak. I don't know if
they river dance on the program, though if they
do, I suspect they do it right-side up.
Celebrity star Wozniak was one of the founders
of Apple Computer and is widely recognized at
that company. He's a celebrity because he once
dated Kathy Griffin, who is a celebrity because
of her stand-up act in which she makes fun of
herself for not being a celebrity. See why they
call it "Dancing With the Stars"?)
Reading the above paragraph, you probably
have correctly deduced that when I hit my head,
I suffered a concussion. You might also be angry
at me for making fun of the choice of Mr.
Wozniak as a contestant. "Hey," I can hear you
saying, "there are real stars on that
show, like Lil' Kim!"
Lil' Kim is a female celebrity who is famous
for having gone to prison and for having
breasts.
None of this occurred to me when I hit my
head. I felt only pain, both from the impact of
my skull on the planet and from viewing such a
dreadful TV show. My children all looked at me,
alarmed that they might have to stop watching
television.
"Are you OK?" my younger daughter asked me.
My whole life, no matter what has happened to
me, this is the first question people have
asked, even when I am obviously not "OK." I
could have an alien clawing its way out of my
chest cavity, and my kids would still ask, "Are
you OK?" If the alien said, "Yes, I'm fine,"
they'd go back to watching "Dancing With Steve
Wozniak."
I elected not to answer my daughter — because
having my brain bounce around in my skull had
jarred loose certain thoughts, the way a
phonograph needle will skip to a new song if you
jar the turntable. I thought of things long,
long forgotten, such as the way a phonograph
needle will skip to a new song if you jar the
turntable. I thought, "You should have kissed
Susie at Teen Town." I thought about Yasmin
Bleeth, star of the TV show "Baywatch," famous
for being sentenced to two years' probation and
for having breasts. "Dancing With the Stars," I
decided, is like "Baywatch," only with more
plot. Women bounce around like my brain during a
concussion, wearing skimpy outfits — I ask you,
is that "Baywatch" or "Dancing With the Stars"?
I looked up and saw my kids peering down at
me with concern. "Is it a commercial or
something?" I asked.
They called a doctor, who advised them to ask
me questions to see if I was disoriented.
"OK," said my son the biology major, "Explain
the role of RNA polymerase in the protein
synthesis of eukaryotic cells."
"Can I use a lifeline? I want to call Steve
Wozniak."
They exchanged glances. "Dad," my older
daughter said gently, "Steve Wozniak? The famous
dancing celebrity?"
They decided my answer was evidence of brain
injury and that I should go to the ER to be
declared incompetent so they could have my car.
Because it was an emergency, my daughters took
an hour to put on makeup in case any of the
doctors were cute.
An examination revealed I did have a
concussion, but first we had to sit in the
waiting room, watching TV.
Guess what was on?
►J◄
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To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists,
visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at
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