10-07-31
Of all the major-league sports that I follow,
probably the one that asks the most of its elite
athletes is competitive eating. That is why I
was stunned and saddened to hear that one of the
top face-stuffers in the world, Takeru
Kobayashi, was arrested at this year's
international hot-dog-eating contest on Coney
Island.
Takeru reportedly "went berserk" during the
contest, reminding all of us of the time that Mike
Tyson became so worked up in a boxing match he bit
both of Evander Holyfield's ears — except, of
course, in this case it's hot dogs, not ears. Plus
Evander wasn't wearing buns.
Naturally, most of you are well acquainted with
the food-overeating celebrities and their
fascinating stories, but for those of you who do
not regularly search the Internet for up-to-date
gossip on these magnificent sports stars, let me
take a moment here to fill you in (or maybe, given
the subject, the proper expression would be "fill
you up").
When the International Federation of
Competitive Eating (IFOCE) was formed in 1997, the
record for forcing hot dogs into one's stomach
stood at 25 in 12 minutes. This wasn't exciting
enough to attract many fans, though my Labrador
always watched attentively. Then, in 2001, Takeru
Kobayashi managed to cram down 50 hot dogs in the
same length of time, thrilling and inspiring
people all over the world.
There was joy in the streets, people dancing,
hugging and bingeing. Major-league eating had
arrived, and nothing would ever be the same for
humanity.
Sure, there are competitors. Major League
Smoking, as an example, seems to be catching on,
and NASCAR is rumored to be contemplating a
national drunk-driving competition. There were
high hopes for the National Pot-Toking Contest,
but nobody was motivated to show up. Still,
nothing has quite captured the world's imagination
quite as much as Major-league eating.
On its Website, the IFOCE claims that
major-league eating generates more than a billion
consumer "impressions" a year, and I'm one of them
— it's my "impression" that these people are all
idiots.
Back to Takeru, who now makes a living based on
his ability to chew and swallow (he still holds
the world record for eating cow brains — 17.7
pounds in 15 minutes, though there are some to
scoff at the accomplishment, saying they were
"really stupid cows"): This year, the world was
enthralled at the prospect of a rematch between
Takeru and the current world champion hot dog
overeater, Joey Chestnut, whose record is an
astounding 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. But
in the final hour, Takeru backed out of the
competition, claiming a contract dispute with the
league.
Why, I would ask the IFOCE, can't you pay this
top athlete what he is worth? Think of all the
disappointed children who were counting on Takeru
to inspire them to binge on junk food!
The millions of fans who tune into this contest
every year because they have absolutely nothing
better to do were disappointed, and Chestnut
burped his way to an easy win, eating a leisurely
54 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. He's quoted as
saying that Takeru would have been in the contest
"if he was a real man," something I think we can
all heartily agree with.
The arrest of the overeating superstar occurred
moments after Chestnut managed his final swallow —
Takeru stormed the stage and had to be subdued by
the police officers who were there to see if there
would be any free hot dogs.
Takeru was taken to jail, where he was booked
on charges of "jumping on a stage occupied by a
bunch of people who were really full of hot dogs,"
which in New York is a misdemeanor. (In the
Midwest, it's not a crime, it's a concert.)
Takeru's explanation for his behavior makes
complete sense. "I'm really hungry. I wanted to
eat hot dogs," he is quoted as saying.
Had I been one of the reporters, I might have
said, "OK, sure, but how do you explain the cow
brains?"
After spending the night behind bars, Takeru
was released because the jail couldn't afford to
feed him.
That's my theory, anyway.
►J◄
►J◄
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