10-07-17
The Tour de France is on this month ... and
on, and on, and on. It started July 4 in Belgium
and will end in Paris on July 25 — about twice
as long as it took the German army to cover the
same distance, and they were walking.
You'd think a bicycle race would be fairly
straightforward — people get on their bikes and
ride, well, straight forward. But this is
France, so it's more complicated than that.
For one thing, the clothing the teams wear is
extremely important (just like in that other
hard-hitting sport, figure skating). Every team
member wears the same uniform, unless you're the
best young rider, and then you wear a white
jersey, or the best climber, and then you wear a
fabulous outfit of red polka dots. (Look it up,
I'm not kidding.)
For another thing, although overall it is a
multi-day race, every stage is its own
competition, each worth a lot of euros. (The
euro is a currency used by Europe to transfer
wealth from Germany to Greece.)
One stage of the race is completed by
high-speed rail, which is probably a tough one
to win: Everyone must be trying to crowd to the
front of the train as it pulls into the station.
And they have to be wearing the same
color-coordinated jerseys and socks and
underwear, which after several days of hot sun
are probably not as fabulous as when they
started. On the other hand, the riders must be
relieved to get off their bikes and sit on the
train and order beverages. (Now that's a
French sport!)
If there is a bike crash in the last 1,000
meters, everyone in the pack of bicyclists is
awarded the same time. Perhaps we should use
this rule in football.
Football Referee: Well, you were tackled 100
yards short of the goal line in a huge pile of
players, so we're awarding you the touchdown.
Football Player: Vive la France!
Football Referee: Of course, everyone else in
the pile also gets a touchdown.
Football Player: Sacre bleu!
Sacre bleu is an old French curse meaning
"sacred blue" — so, again with the outfit
colors. I'm picturing two Frenchmen trading
insults:
French Guy No. 1: You wear yellow underpants!
French Guy No. 2: May all of your socks leave
little black fuzzy balls between your toes!
French Guy No. 1: Your mother's colors are
wrong for the season!
French Guy No. 2: Sacre bleu!
"Bleu" is the key ingredient in bleu cheese,
which smells pretty much the same as that
high-speed train when all those cyclists ride on
it after 20 days of biking in their pretty
outfits.
The people who run the Tour de France are not
only strict on fashion, they are also against
the athletes taking drugs. People who use dope
are called "dopers," while people who drink wine
are called "whiners." The French are known as
world-class whiners.
For example, take their reaction to the World
Cup, which is a very important championship
sporting event where the players get together to
compete at football but wind up playing soccer
instead. France beat Ireland because the referee
didn't know he was supposed to be paying
attention. Then one of the French soccer players
was kicked off the team for swearing at the
coach (maybe he called him "bleu").
When a coach suspends a player for
misbehaving, it's called "discipline," which
started out as a French word meaning "mentor"
but then the English took it and made it into
"enforce behavior," which shows you the
difference between the two countries. The French
players went on strike, which in France is
pretty much the national pastime.
As you might expect, the striking players
didn't win the World Cup, but on the upside,
they probably got to ride the train home, which
in France is apparently the same as
participating in professional athletics.
Maybe some of the soccer players will ride
the train with the cyclists, and then they'll
get to say they competed in both the World Cup
and the Tour de France the same day. Sacre bleu!
►J◄
►J◄
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
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