10-06-26
I've read that the ancient Chinese art of
feng shui can bring a sense of peace, well-being
and positive energy to a home — same as beer.
Curious, I arranged to have dinner with a feng
shui master so I could interview him and write
off the meal on my taxes. (He ordered a beer!)
A serious, prepared-for-anything journalist,
I took careful notes on a dinner napkin with the
pen I borrowed from the waitress. Unfortunately,
I left the napkin on the table, but I think I
remember enough from talking to what's-his-name
to provide a thorough report on the whole
subject.
First, feng shui literally means "fire
and water," and was invented 6,000 years ago by
the Chinese, who prior to that called it "ouch
and wet." It is the scientific balance between
the invisible green dragon and the invisible
white tiger, and feng-shui masters get really
irritated if you ask them how an invisible
dragon can be green.
Also important to feng shui is yin and yang,
representing female and male, which are
"opposing forces in a continual state of flux
and tension" (especially at my parents' house).
To illustrate the importance of keeping yin and
yang in balance, the feng shui master, whom I
think was named Larry, related a story, with my
providing helpful jokes.
"Long ago I provided assistance to a man
whose house had fallen into disharmony," Larry
said. "No, disharmony is not the name of a river
in China." (Notice how my joke not only
lightened the mood but provided an opportunity
for helpful clarification? I'm glad you see it
because Larry sure didn't.)
"The man lived in the house with his wife,
their two sons, their sons' wives and their four
grandchildren."
"Don't forget the invisible green dragon and
the invisible white tiger," I reminded Larry.
Then we had to pause for the good chuckle we
shared (meaning, I had a good chuckle and
"shared" it out loud with Larry. At this
juncture, he ordered another beer).
"But the household was not happy," Larry
continued.
Gee, you got all those Yins-in-law living
with the mom in a house, and they weren't
happy? I can't imagine why not.
"My name is not Larry!" he shouted at this
point, or at some point. Anyway, it turns out
that the house was too big on the right half,
where the white tiger crouches in invisibility,
and the green dragon could no longer control it.
As anyone who has ever been a child can tell
you, you never want invisible monsters to get to
be too powerful because then you have to call
for your mom to do a monster-sweep of the room.
"No, that is not how feng shui came to be
invented," Larry said. (Like he knows — was he
around 6,000 years ago? Maybe some kid named
Feng thought there was an invisible green dragon
under his bed.)
Then I explained to Larry that if you bisect
a house into equal haves, one half can't be
larger than the other half, so his story made no
sense. And maybe everyone was crabby because
they were all living together like it was a
Soviet apartment. And maybe things would be in
balance if everyone understood basic geometry.
Nonetheless, Larry's advice to these people
was to reduce the size of the right half of
the house, and then everyone in the family
was happy. Sure they were, Larry. Women love
living in a shrinking house with their
mother-in-law.
Oh, also there's a bird and a turtle —
they're both invisible, too, but I don't
remember what colors they are or why these
people didn't just get a dog like a normal
family.
At this point, a serious journalist like
myself had two questions: 1) Can we get another
round, here? And, 2) How can I find a job where
people actually pay me to spew such nonsense?
Larry's reaction to these penetrating
questions was, as we say in the business, to
"flee the interview." This is normally taken as
a sign that a person has something to hide, and
I think I know what it is:
As a feng-shui master, Larry is seriously
unbalanced.
►J◄
►J◄
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www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
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