2009-06-20
The Internet is a great place
to go for information that is timely, important
and completely wrong.
The other day, I was sent an
e-mail advising me on how to perform CPR on
myself while driving. The idea is that if you
have a sudden heart attack while at the wheel,
you can keep your heart pumping long enough to
drive to a hospital and fill out your insurance
forms.
I spoke to a cardiologist
about this, who explained that CPR is generally
performed on people who are either a)
unconscious or b) dead. Both of these conditions
probably would impede your ability to give
yourself CPR, though it should be noted that
there is plenty of evidence that being
unconscious does not prevent people from
driving.
So-called "cough CPR" is a
technique where the victim (or, to use the
proper medical term, "corpse") coughs
rhythmically and deeply while driving and
sending text messages. The technique is
sometimes used in hospitals when a patient
suffers heart arrhythmia during a cardiac
cauterization, but only under the direction of a
physician and only when in the carpool lane.
What the "cough CPR" e-mail
does most effectively is convince your
cardiologist that you need to go in for some
tests because he's worried you're not pumping
enough blood to your brain.
Another e-mail sent to me
gives step-by-step instructions on what to do if
I encounter an anaconda, a snake that, according
to the e-mail, is 35 feet in length and weighs
400 pounds. The e-mail subject line reads
"URGENT!" — as if I'd see a snake that big and
not take the situation seriously.
Do not run, the e-mail
advises. The snake is faster than you (and,
besides, my pants are wet).
Lie flat on the ground. (Say
what? That's like saying if you see a train
coming you should throw yourself on the tracks.
What else do you want me to do, cover myself in
steak sauce?)
Do not panic. (It's a little
late for that, don't you think? I've already had
to give myself cough CPR.)
After the snake has
examined you, it will begin to swallow your feet
and ankles. (I
told
you I didn't want
to lie down! I should have run away when I still
had feet!)
The snake will now begin to
suck your legs into its body. Lie perfectly
still. (This should be easy since I passed out
when the CPR failed.)
When the snake reaches your
knees, cut off its head. (This attack will take
the snake completely by surprise, since it
thought we had reached an agreement as to our
respective roles in this undertaking.)
Don't forget your
knife. (Gee, don't you think you should have
mentioned this
before you told me
to lie down in front of a 400-pound snake? And
why should I expect the snake will be as calm
about this turn of events as I was by his
attack? Suppose it is one of those anacondas who
doesn't read e-mail? Maybe it will wrap itself
around me and squeeze instead of lying there not
panicking. Then what?)
I wasn't able to track down
someone who was an expert on being attacked by
anacondas, but I did ask my cardiologist what he
thought I should do if I were driving and I was
suddenly attacked by a 35-foot snake.
"If that happens," he told
me, "for God's sake don't drive over here."
He was also less than
thrilled with another e-mail I sent him for
validation, this one describing a scientific
study that proved being significantly overweight
led to a lower incidence of disease, infections,
even cancer.
"This is even dumber than
do-it-yourself CPR," he told me. "Why are you
reading this stuff? Don't you have some kind of
job or something?"
Despite the cardiologist's
objections, I tend to believe this one, because
a) I want to and b) the e-mail says the study
was conducted under a research grant funded by
all the major fast-food companies, and you know
that when it comes to health, those people are
in your corner.
Besides, there's only one
sure way to avoid an anaconda attack, and that
is to weigh more than it does.
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists,
visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at
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