2009-06-13
After considerable research,
I have reached the conclusion that some foods
contain insidious, evil little things called
"calories."
A "calorie" is the amount of
energy it takes to raise 1 kilogram of water
(2.2 pounds) by 1 degree Celsius. A gallon of
vanilla ice cream has 2,320 calories in it,
which is why, if you accidentally knock a carton
of ice cream into a sink full of water, the
water will instantly start boiling.
Food has calories so that
you'll look fat at your high school reunion.
They sneak into your body with every mouthful,
so the best way to reduce them is to chew
carefully and then not swallow.
Ironically, calories
themselves are tasteless, but the foods that
taste the best generally have more calories.
(When I say "ironically," I mean "tragically.")
For example, I can have tuna-noodle casserole
for dinner, and my body will absorb almost no
calories — but that's mainly due to my gag
reflex. Ice cream, however, is another matter.
When I eat ice cream, I try
not to scoop out the very bottom of the carton,
because I'm convinced that's where most of the
calories are lurking. Also, now that I know
about calories causing heat, I try to eat more
slowly so my tongue won't burst into flames. (I
also use chocolate sauce as a fire retardant.)
This means that a dinner of
tuna-noodle casserole with a chocolate sundae
for dessert will consist mainly of
chocolate-sundae dessert. The calories that I
get from dessert are offset by the calories I
don't get from the casserole, so-called
"negative calories."
If I eat 800 calories
of chocolate sundae, I must therefore
not
eat 800 calories worth of
tuna noodle, though if I want to lose weight I
should probably not eat maybe 1,000 calories.
Many foods now come with a
label explaining how many calories are contained
in a single serving. A "serving" varies
depending on how badly the food manufacturer
wants to trick you. So a single potato chip can
be "15 servings," leading you to conclude that
you can eat a lot of potato chips, washing them
down with 12 servings (1 can) of cola, and not
get enough calories to worry about. If you start
using the food labels to calculate how many
calories you are actually eating, it is time to
stop reading the food labels.
If you're concerned
that you're gaining too much weight, you should
first ask yourself a question: Do you
have
to go to your high school
reunion? Why not skip the thing and just visit a
Dairy Queen?
If you're determined to go
because you still believe, deep down, that
you've got a shot at sitting at the popular
table, you're going to need to experience what's
called a "calorie deficit," which is just a
fancy way of saying "pain." There's only so much
tuna-noodle casserole you can't eat, so you'll
have to start adopting more effective measures,
like eating only the ice cream from the top of
the carton.
Exercise "burns"
calories, which is why exercise causes a
"burning sensation" and should be avoided. Lying
on the floor watching TV burns about 80 calories
an hour, though I assume you lose a lot more
weight watching a hockey game than a wedding
movie. (Hockey is such an active sport that
those guys sometimes start punching each other
just to get some
rest. )
If you watch 10 hours of
hockey a day, you'll burn up 800 calories, which
is a lot, in my opinion. If every 8 calories
equals 1 pound, you can lose about 100 pounds
before you've even made it through the playoffs.
The problem is, of course,
that 8 calories does not equal a full pound.
(Did you really think it was going to be that
easy?) You have to burn 3,500 calories for 1
pound, which is why the Dairy Queen is starting
to look better all the time. Three thousand five
hundred calories! No one can watch that much
hockey. Thank goodness we have baseball — those
games can last for hours.
That's why, if you come to my
house, you'll find me on the floor, watching
sports.
I have a reunion coming up.
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists,
visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at
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