10-05-29
I've often said that there's no sense in
dwelling on past mistakes because I'm just going
to repeat them anyway. There are a couple,
though, I can't seem to forget — mistakes on the
"hey, let's steer the Titanic over to take a
look at that iceberg" level. Here is a countdown
of the five dumbest things I've done in my life
— so far.
No. 5 concerns the very first time I came up
with an "invention," because I am an inventor
the way Lehman Brothers is a "success." My
father claimed the coffeepot worked poorly
because it was a wedding gift from a TV actor
who had dated my mother in their teens. It
eventually stopped functioning when Dad's hammer
accidentally fell on it seven times. (In Dad's
defense, he'd read a newspaper profile on how
rich and handsome the old boyfriend was, and the
hammer just happened to be right there looking
for something to whack.)
I was watching my mother add cream to her
coffee from the new pot and thought, "Why not
put the cream in the water reservoir before
turning on the coffeemaker?" So that's what I
did.
Well, there's a reason you can't get a hot
beverage from a nationwide chain called
"Star-Bruce Coffee." My instant cafe au-lait
turned out to be cafe au-bad. Worse, the
coffeemaker filled the kitchen with the sour
odor of spoiled milk, and the coffee itself
tasted, in my dad's words, "like a dead cow."
Dumbest Move No. 4 was telling my dad I
thought he'd "get used" to the coffee. Luckily,
there was no hammer nearby.
No. 3 was asking a girl named Marla for a
date. Random selection put me in a chair near
her on the first hour of the first day of high
school. I came to fall completely in love with
Marla, swooning when I saw her, following her
around like an imprinted duck. I even wrote her
a poem:
Marla, Marla,
In distance you are farla
I'd have to drive a carla
Marla
OK, in my defense, there are not a lot of
words that rhyme with "Marla." By the time I had
worked up the nerve to ask her out, Marla had
come to regard me with the same affection people
view psoriasis. I was this thing that just
wouldn't go away.
Marla turned me down with such loathing it
shattered my heart. I'm not sure I ever asked a
girl out again without first making sure she
liked me, which significantly narrowed my
possibilities, let me tell you.
Marla, Marla
Big mistake-arla
Said no with a snarla
Marla
No. 2 was electing to be an English major in
college instead of anything of actual practical
use.
Lehman Brothers Chairman: We've got to do
something or we'll go bankrupt and pull down the
world economy!
Me: Fortunately, I've written this essay
about the themes of life and death in "Moby
Dick."
Lehman Brothers Chairman: We're saved!
But by far my dumbest mistake was No. 1:
Quitting the corporate job I'd had for 10 years
to invest all my money in an "IVR" company.
IVR stands for Interactive Voice Response,
the telephone menu tree you get when you dial a
company, like this:
"You've reached Lehman Brothers. If you're
wondering where all your money went, press 1. If
you're wondering whether you'll be able to
retire, press 2. If you're wondering whether
you'll be able to eat, press 3. Otherwise,
please stay on the line, and we'll answer your
call as soon as we've received our indictments."
I thought that all goods and services in the
world eventually would be ordered via IVR and
that I'd grow rich on my wonderful "invention."
I failed to consider only one thing: People
hate IVR! I had a better shot at marrying
Marla then I did at convincing a single customer
they were better off with IVR than a person.
So when this guy I know wanted me to get in
on the ground floor with some company named
after a river in South America that would sell
books on the Internet, I said "No way!"
I learn from my mistakes.
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists,
visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at
www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists,
visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at
www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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