Having raised teenage girls,
studied them, and even having written a book
about them, I still don't know what they are
for.
My suspicion is that teenage
daughters are a father's punishment for having
once been a teenage boy. This doesn't seem fair
to me, but then again, my concept of the word
"fair" may have been distorted by the way my
daughters used it between the ages of 12 and 20
— what I call the "war years." It seems that
teenage girls have a vocabulary all their own.
The phrase "no fair" means "I
don't like it." Most often it is heard in
response to a very reasonable parental
observation, such as "no, you can't go to a
concert in the next state and spend the night in
a hotel with people I don't know and who are
therefore most likely hardened criminals."
"No fair!" the teenage girl
cries — or, alternately, "that is so not fair!"
In case you don't get the message, the teenager
might stomp her foot, sob out loud, slam and
lock the door to her bedroom, or send angry
"tweets" so that all of her friends are updated
on the news that her father is so not fair.
She might go further and
explain why you are not
fair, which can basically be boiled down to a
list of your faults. You are "unreasonable,"
meaning you're asking reasonable questions, such
as "where are you going to get the
money to pay for this high-risk venture?"
You "never listen," which means you've
repeatedly ignored her request to borrow money
for what you've started thinking of as "The Road
Trip To Doom That Will Happen Over My Dead
Body." You are "mean" to remind her that her
grades aren't what they should be — that's
"irrelevant," meaning "something she doesn't
want to talk about."
When she says "Mom
said I could go," she is telling you that her
mother said "ask your father." When you remain
resolutely "unfair," she'll point out that "all
of her friends are going," which simply means
that in living rooms all over town, fathers are
listening to this same ridiculous appeal.
Fathers should sign up for Twitter so they can
text to each other: "My daughter wants me 2 pay
4 her 2 travel 400 miles 2 attend a rock concert
with serial killers LOL."
When teenage girls get to be
older, they seem to realize that shouting "I
hate you I hate you" from the other side of a
slammed door has thus far proved to be an
ineffective method of persuasion. After all, no
father has ever knocked on the door and said,
"Honey? Your vile screaming has won me over. If
you really hate me, then, yes, you have my
permission to drive off with a couple of
irresponsible friends and wind up the subject of
a crime show about missing women."
It's as if she's developed
something similar to and yet oddly completely
the opposite of maturity. Instead of launching
her nuclear arsenal, she will suddenly turn
cute. Her voice will be submissive, her eyes as
round and soft as a panda's. "Daddy," she'll
implore quietly, "couldn't I please go? Please?"
(If she's going for the kill, she might say
"please please please please
please?"
This just makes you sad,
because you realize that your little girl, the
daughter who was the center of your universe for
so many years, is still inside this near-woman
standing before you, only she's being held
prisoner, locked up like
Rapunzel.
Stronger men than you have
broken down at this point, but usually the
effect of this emotional global warming is to
melt you only to the point where you offer a
wonderful compromise. "How about I drive you?"
you suggest perkily. "I'll even drop you off at
the concert, so you don't have to worry about
parking! You and your little friends can stay in
your own room, I'll be across the hall!" (Across
the hall where I can watch your door through my
peephole, you mean, but you don't have to tell
her this.)
"What? I'm sure! I can't go
to the concert with my Dad,
" she'll reply, shrieking.
Translation? You're not being
"fair."
►J◄
►J◄
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists,
visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at
www.creators.com.
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