A public service announcement brought to you by the Motion Picture Association of America:
For only a few dollars, you can buy a cup of coffee, caffeinated or decaffeinated.
In Malibu, for just several dollars a day, you can feed celebrities like George Clooney warm, nourishing meals.
For only a few dollars, you can also buy a pack of gum, regular or sugarless.
In Los Angeles, a few dollars a day provides children like Justin Bieber with the clothes he needs to attend school.
And for just a few dollars a day, you can also buy a soda, regular or diet.
In Hollywood, for just a few dollars a day, you could help a celebrity like Tom Cruise, who desperately requires an operation to restore his eyesight.
Hello, I am Sally Struthers.
You might remember me from such heart-tugging commercials as "Feed the Children," "Save the Whales" or most notably, "Feed Sally Struthers."
Right now, in third-world cities such as Los Angeles and New York, Hollywood's A-listers are huddled together like rats, reduced to begging for coin like your common, everyday bum.
At downtrodden award shows, mega-celebrities such as Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts and That One Dude — You Know, That One Black Dude Who Is In Everything are starving, and their collective pot-belly stomachs are protruding profoundly like a starving Ethiopian child's.
And at this very moment, common celebrities like Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox and that other woman on the cast of "Friends" are being denied the essential plastic surgery and Botox treatments required to walk the velvet red runways, all while being showered with the love, attention and affection of an undying public. The love, attention and affection of an undying public, a public that is stealing their terrible movies via the Internet.
Hello, I am Sally Struthers.
Since 1938, we here at the Feed the Celebrities Foundation have assisted actors, singers and other famous performers with the lavish meals, designer clothes, mansions, plastic surgeries and any other not-a-care-on-the-world luxuries deemed most needed.
I'm sure you've heard the recent news regarding the Stop Online Piracy Act and its more governmental undermining, obtrusive step-brother, the Protect IP Act, which were both shot down like clay pigeons in Congress after well-known websites such as Wikipedia blacked themselves out in protest amid online civil unrest.
Despite these actions, we here at Feed the Celebrities still support these legislative endeavors, even if it means censoring the Internet, and through it, knowledge. It is such a small price to pay to ensure that today's celebrities become tomorrow's multi-millionaires.
So please support this broad, overreaching shroud of censorship on the Internet, and with your support, we can make the United States of America — home of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness — the second country in the world to censor the Internet.
The other is China.
Remember, you need us. We are better than you. We are prettier than you. Our opinions on political matters mean more than yours do, or so we think.
Put simply: Without us, you are nothing. So please stop stealing our movies.
Hello, I am still Sally Struthers.
Today, so many celebrities from all around Hollywood still need your assistance. Through Feed the Celebrities, you can reach out to one of them for, oh, just several dollars a day. That's all it takes to help just one celebrity, like Sean Penn, in a ritzy, developing third-world suburb. The happiness it will bring you is worth more than you can imagine.
Please call our toll-free phone number, 555-FEED-CELEBS, to learn more about this charitable organization. As a sponsor, you and your celebrity can write letters and exchange pictures with one another. Each month, you will receive a statement from your celebrity charting his or her growth and progress that you made possible.
All it takes is the spare change in your pocket to change the life of a millionaire celebrity forever.
This has been Sally Struthers, and I am about to illegally download the entire series of "The Sopranos."
Thank you, and good-bye.
To contact Will E Sanders, visit his website at willesanders.com, or send him an email at wille@willesanders.com. To find out more about Will E Sanders and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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