Spring cleaning is when you clean out your house. Summer cleaning is when you go on
vacation and a burglar cleans out your house.
While a travel agent cleans out your wallet. Q: There’s just too much fat in your stew. Should you:
(a) use skinnier recipes; (b) substitute rice cakes for stew meat; or (c) float large
lettuce leaves in the pot, then remove them?
A: #c will get the fat out. It’ll stick to the lettuce
leaves.
Supposedly, one of the most
effective flea and tick repellants is Avon "Softique" hand lotion. Honest. I
guess that's why you so seldom see an Avon Lady wearing a flea collar.
Q: You are
suffering from oykomania. Should you: (a) eat more cream cheese; (b) get out of the house;
or (c) try a new mouthwash?
A: Getting out of the house might help.
You're very unhappy with your home surroundings.
I tried an experiment. I chopped
up some broccoli and spread it on the front lawn. all the insects packed up and left.
And a squirrel threw an acorn at me.
Q: You have coffee, tea, or nicotine stains on your teeth.
Should you: (a) check into a stain clinic; (b) brush with baking soda; or (c) rub your
teeth with fresh strawberries?
A: First for Women
magazine recommends you brush with baking soda, then rub your teeth with a fresh
strawberry, then some lemon peel, then rinse.
You know it’s time to do the
laundry, when your socks start tap-dancing by themselves.
How to handle dirty sweat socks:
You gotta know when to hold ‘em,
Know when to fold ‘em;
Know when to walk away,
And know when to run.....
Q:
A drippy faucet is keeping you awake. Should you: (a) marry a plumber; (b) sleep with your
head under the dog; or (c) tie a string long enough to reach the drain on the end of the
faucet?
A: Dripologists at Woman’s
Day magazine say #c will allow your drip to run silently down the string.
Some people never outgrow the
desire to play in the dirt, but when they’re adults they call it gardening.
You know you’re working in the yard too much when you have
to fungicide your armpits.
I bought a new fertilizer spreader. One load with do the whole
yard. It’s the new
Campaign-98 model.
When the weather’s nice, I can spend all day working in my
garden. I just love it. So does my chiropractor.
Q:
To help you relax when you get home from work, does Glamour magazine recommend
you take off: (a) your shoes; (b) your underwear; or (c) your watch?
A: Take off your watch;
don’t try to stay on schedule.
