The following program is rated PG-13. Parental guidance is suggested for anyone with an I.Q. over 13.

     Hi I'm (JOCK), here to give your radio a complete physical. If you'll just turn your antenna to the left and cough----(PAUSE) -- OK -- that feels fine. ((Toms Lake Humor Company)

     And now, here he is, a guy who lives for wine, women, and song, but will settle for Pepsi, pretzels, and a hockey game....

     Today's program is brought to you by Lee Press-On Sweat, the life-like droplets of fake perspiration that will fool your boss into thinking you're working hard.

    (Newsman) is the perfect newshound. He has a nose for news and a face like a hound.

    Are you just another face in the crowd at nude beaches?
    Well, my funny naked friend, what you need is the fantastic all-new (Jock) AM/FM Digital Plug-In Belly Button Pod.
    Just imagine what your friends will say when you streak onto the beach and switch on your belly button.
    You'll be the life of the beach party with your tummy blaring away in digital surround-sound.
    Everybody will want a bbPod -- so hurry, write (Jock's) Belly Button, care of this station.

     Now, today's redneck tip. Remember, four out of five lifestyle experts agree: September is the best time to rotate the tires on your house.

     This just in. A new study shows that half of Americans are having sex at work -- and the other half are standing outside smoking.

     And remember, every cloud has a silver lining -- especially when the color radar is on the blink.

     [Dry] I hope we get some rain soon. I'd hate to have to spend the winter watering my snow.
 
     And the pollen count is up. But, of course, for September that's just a sinus of the times.

     It's now 103 degrees and you know what that means -- every store in town is selling winter coats.

     I almost bought some air conditioned underwear, but I just don't think I'd feel safe adding freon to my shorts.

     [Goof] It's okay, I'll be alright. I've been this way ever since I was a kid and a whole bunch of strangers saw the rocky horse throw me at Kmart.

     There's a hint of fall in the air. Our receptionist already switched to a wool tank top. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     My home town was very small, but they did have a rock festival one year. My rock won third prize.

     I'm the radio station fire warden. Which means, if the fire alarm sounds, I make sure the boss's golf clubs get out safely.

     Hey, have a great day out there -- and be sure to watch out for all those normal people on the streets.