The (Jock) Encounter Group is officially in session. Just remember, all is well if we touch and tell.

     And now, here he is, a man who has done for radio what roller derby has done for the performing arts....

     If I sound a little strange this morning, it's because I tried a new cereal for breakfast -- Kellogg's Jalapeno Bran. With two scoops of jalapenos.

     Now, as a public service, here’s a little game you can play while you’re stalled on the freeway. Okay, write down your odometer mileage and divide it by your age. Then add the number of French fries under the front seat, subtract your weight, and divide by the number of bugs on the windshield. Got it? Okay, that’s the number of calories you can have for dinner.

     It's so hot you don't know whether to rub on sunscreen or barbecue sauce.

     Now, today's suggestion for drunk drivers. Why don't you jerks hit each other?

     I don't have to do this for a living. After two more sessions with my analyst, I can start shoplifting again.

     In this weather you have to watch out for the meltdown. That's what happens to your second scoop of ice cream before you've finished the first scoop.

      Martha Stewart was going to be our guest today—but she backed out when she saw dust on the chief engineer.

     And in food news: The makers of Cheez Whiz announced a hefty price increase. They say the Whiz crop failed. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Some people are made for each other. Personally, I think I was made for Shania Twain.

     Horoscope. Capricorn: This is an excellent day to worm your dog. Or your cat. Or a close friend.

     By the way, the president of my fan club called and said this month’s meeting is on the 32nd.

     (Jock’s) hair looks like she dried it under the lawn mower.

     You know it's hot when a hummingbird tries to drink your earwax.

      I have to hurry. I have another civic duty to perform. They're holding pig races at the fair and I'm the official winner hugger.