This is Plant a Flower Week, a
time to remember if nobody plants flowers, all we can do is stop and smell each other.
Elizabeth Taylor married Richard
Burton the first time on this date in 1964. You have to give Liz credit -- she certainly
holds the record for marrying Richard Burton.
This is National Poison Prevention Week, so
I'm not cooking.
This is Poison Prevention Week, a good time
to throw out the last of that leftover
Thanksgiving turkey.
Remember, to prevent poisoning, when petting
your rattlesnake, never tickle his rattles.
Today is the Ides of March. On
this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar was assassinated. "Beware the Ides of March"
is probably the most famous saying we have about Ides.
Except for the one that goes, "The Ides of Texas Are Upon
You."
Ides better be going now.
Mbongo, history's heaviest
gorilla, died at the San Diego Zoo on this day in 1947. Mbongo weighed 670 pounds, and it
was kind of sad because the other gorillas made fun of him. They'd laugh and yell,
"Mbongo, you big ape!"
What do you do when a 670-pound
gorilla walks into the room?
Just be cool -- and try not to go bananas.
The first Russian settlement in
America was established at Cazadero, California, on this day in 1812. Most Russians who
come to America get homesick. The thought of going back home makes them sick.
The American Legion was founded
on this day in 1919. Before that, newlyweds had to hold their wedding receptions outside.
Mike Love of the Beach Boys
is 70 today. Instead of a Beach Boy, doesn't that make him a Beach Geezer?
Today is Buzzards Day in
Hinckley, Ohio. Which, of course, is a bunch of bull-hockey because the buzzard is a
European hawk who wouldn't be caught dead in Hinckley, Ohio.
What Hinckleyites call a buzzard actually is a turkey
vulture, a bird of questionable character, rancid breath, and no intelligence whatsoever.
Which may explain why he feels at home in Hinckley, Ohio.
Now, today's gross buzzard trivia question:
Which is more gross, a buzzard or a goatsucker?
When it comes to gross, the buzzard is #1. Buzzards will
eat anything dead in broad daylight.
Goatsuckers suck only at night, and they don't suck goats,
they suck insects off the goats.
Goatsuckers are nicer than buzzards. Ask any goat.
Today is Buzzards Day in
Hinckley, Ohio, the day Hinckleyites watch the skies for the first buzzards of spring.
Real buzzard lovers wave dead meat.
Real buzzard lovers are frequently mentally weird and have been
known to smoke feathers.
The buzzards used to return to Cleveland, but they got tired of the
inner city and moved to the suburbs. In Ohio, they call that "buzzard flight."
Today is Buzzards Day in Hinckley, Ohio, the
day the buzzards return. Nobody knows why
the buzzards return. From all indications
even the buzzards aren't sure.
What the buzzards find so appealing in
Hinckley is about as clear is why Hinckley
wants to honor the buzzards.
Maine became the
23rd U.S. state on Buzzards Day in 1820. Before that, Maine was part of Massachusetts. In
the divorce settlement, Maine got custody of most of the snow.
Massachusetts got Fenway Park.
Andrew Jackson was born
on this date in 1767. He was the U.S. president who spent most of his time gambling and
dueling, so he was reelected. That was back in the good old days—when a lack of
character was important.
Elizabeth Taylor
married Richard Burton the first time on this day in 1964. She also married him a second
time. But that came later.
It came after the first divorce but before the second divorce.
Intermingled with numerous other marriages, divorces, romances, and in-between-meal
snacks.
On this day in 44
B.C. Julius Caesar gave blood the hard way.
Today marks the Ides of
March, the day in 44 B.C. when Julius Caesar was assassinated. Oddly enough, being
assassinated is the achievement for which Julius is most fondly remembered.
Never mind the Ides of March -- I'm more concerned about the
fungicides of April.
The first indoor
flycasting tournament was held in New York City on this day in 1897. New York was chosen
because there was a garbage strike and it was easy to get flies.
On this day in 1972 Los
Angeles radio station KHJ played Donny Osmond's "Puppy Love" over and over for
13 consecutive hours. Police finally raided the station to see if some kook had taken it
over. But the only kook they could find was deejay Robert W. Morgan.
For years after that, Robert W. got deathly ill at the mere
mention of puppies or love.
Today's the day the
Buzzards always return to Hinckley, Ohio. Nobody knows why. To find out, Geraldo once
invited the buzzards to appear on his show, but they wouldn't swoop that low.
And just because
buzzards like Hinckley does
not mean it's a dead town. In the spring it just
smells that way.
On this date in 1994
actor Burt Reynolds was mugged as he left a book store. It was the second time he'd been
mugged. The first time was in his divorce settlement.
Today is the day the
buzzards return to Hinckley, Ohio. Or is it the day the hinckleys return to Buzzard, Ohio?
I always get those mixed up.
