On this date in 1775 a company hired Daniel Boone to cut a road through the wilderness to the Kentucky River. Actually, they wanted him to blaze a trail, but Booney refused to blaze any more trails after Smokey the Bear appeared to him in a dream.
     And told him, if he started any more forest fires, he'd wake up with a coonskin cap clogging his colon.

     Alexander Graham Bell transmitted the first telephone message on this day in 1876. It was "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you." Unfortunately, Mr. Watson wasn't home, so bell had to leave the message on his answering machine.

     The first driver's license with a photo was issued in Paris on this day in 1899. Photo drivers' licenses have resulted in long lines. When people see how bad they look in their photo, they line up at the offices of cosmetic surgeons.

     On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call to his assistant, Thomas Watson. Watson didn't have caller I.D. — but he was pretty sure that it was Alexander Graham Bell.

     On this day in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell spoke history's first words over a telephone. He said, "Watson, hold on, I've got another call."
     Watson said, "Can I call you back? I'm in the shower."

     The Salvation Army came to the United States on this date in 1880. In the early years, they were so poor, they just stood in front of stores at Christmas holding out their hands and saying, "Ding, ding, ding!"

     The American Salvation Army was founded on this date in 1880. This army is now our major defense against an attack by winos.

     The Salvation Army was created on this day in 1880. Wall Street rallied in heavy trading, especially in tambourine stocks.

     Actor Chuck Norris, TV's "Walker, Texas Ranger," is 71 today. At his birthday party, he'll slice the cake with judo chops and play "Kick the Tail Off the Donkey."

     On this day in 1972 the Robin Hood Karate Club in England set a record by chopping a piano to bits with their bare hands in 41 minutes. Then, in keeping with the Robin Hood tradition, they gave it to the poor.

     On this day in 1791 John Stone received a patent for his invention of the pile driver. A pile driver is an device that rams into other objects. Today they're common under another name -- parking lot attendants.

     On this day in 1964, Prince Edward, the youngest son of Queen Elizabeth, was born. The toughest part of child-proofing Windsor Castle was building the kiddy fence around the moat.

     On this day in 1949 American authorities convicted "Axis Sally" of treason for her Nazi propaganda broadcasts. The sound of that obnoxious voice filling the airwaves made millions of Americans' blood boil -- but enough about Dick Vitale.

     Today's a big day in hat history. The Hearing Aid Hat was patented on this day in 1891. It was a top hat with a built-in ear trumpet. A man with bad hearing could hold his hat to his ear -- and you could talk through his hat.

     The world's first automatic hat was patented on this day in 1896. You could wind it up, bow your head, and this wonderful hat would tip itself and twirl automatically. If the spring broke, it also scalped you automatically.

     The Salvation Army arrived in the U.S. on this day in 1880. The Salvation Army is my favorite army. If they ran the Defense Department, the Pentagon would be a shelter for winos and we'd all get a tax refund.
     And our foreign policy would be to sing softly and carry a big tambourine.

     Actor Chuck Norris is 71 today. He was the TV Texas Ranger who kicked you in the face if you laughed at his red hair and gray roots.
     Casting Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger is like signing Richard Simmons as a linebacker.