Today is Presidents Day, the day to shred any document that might one day incriminate you.

     I get goose bumps every time I see that picture of Washington crossing the Delaware, with his hand on his beeper.

     George Washington couldn’t tell a lie. That trait qualified him for a place in history—and disqualified him from a place in law school.

     George was first in war and first in peace. Unfortunately, he was not first in quotes. In fact, only two famous quotes are attributed to George Washington:
     1. "I cannot tell a lie, Father, I cut down the cherry tree."
     2. "Remember, men, never grind your teeth unless you want a mouthful of sawdust."

     George Washington wore a wig. Not only was he the first president of the U.S., he was also the first president of the hair club for men.

     The 18th century produced a great American -- George Washington; the 19th century produced a great American -- Abraham Lincoln; and the 20th century produced ... well, two centuries out of three ain't bad.

     When popular presidents like Washington and Lincoln lived, there was no radio or TV, so most people never saw or heard them make a speech -- that's why they were popular.

     You've seen the famous painting of Washington cross the Delaware. If he tried that today, he'd be arrested for boating without a life jacket.

     To commemorate Washington's birthday, Dick Cheney will throw Scooter Libby into the Potomac.

     On Presidents Day we honor George Washington along with all the other presidents. If George knew he was being honored with Millard Fillmore, he'd roll over in his wig.

     They say Washington had wooden teeth, and you know what that means: sand after every meal .. watch termites .. and see your carpenter twice a year.

    Legend says George Washington threw a dollar across the Potomac. He was unique -- he was the only president who threw away his own money.

     I found out why George Washington never smiled. He had wooden underwear.

     Presidents Day is supposed to honor all former presidents, but Democrats don't want to honor Republican presidents and Republicans don't want to honor Democrat presidents so, instead, everybody just goes shopping.