My dad's not real affectionate. The last time he hugged me I think it was called a
"half-Nelson." I
suspected Dad wasn’t thrilled with me when the Tooth Fairy started leaving Greyhound
tickets.
Father's Day always worries me.
I'm afraid I'll get a gift I can't afford.
The world champion father was
Mushidi, king of the old Belgian Congo, who had 910 children and 5,000 wives. With 4,090
wives who never had children, Mushidi obviously couldn't keep up.
Mushidi was executed in 1910 for killing 27 of his wives. The
other 4,963 wives probably died of boredom.
With 910 children and 5,000
wives, if King Mushidi was alive today, he could probably fill his swimming pool with
aftershave.
Moulay Ismail, the 18th
century Moroccan emperor, fathered 888 children: 548 sons and 340 daughters. He was too
busy to count his wives.
Nowadays, Father's Day is a
good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.
My dear old dad always said he
had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.
Father's Day is the day we honor
dear old dad -- if we can find him. Good places to look:
- At the golf course -- in the rough.
- At the bank -- cursing the ATM machine.
- On top of the house -- trying to trying to hook up the dish
before the game starts.
- U:nder the car -- watching the oil drip.
- At the hardware store bragging to a total stranger about his
kids.
Father's Day is the day you give
Dad something you found in the discount bin at the Dollar Store and bought with the
leftover money you borrowed from him to buy Mom something cool for Mother's Day at
(Bloomingdale's).
Traditionally, on Father's Day
fathers wear a red flower if their father is living and a white flower if he's dead. And
if they have a nagging wife and a house full of screaming kids, they wear a pink flower --
which means they are living but wish they were dead.
On Father’s Day I
make the ultimate sacrifice for the father of my children. I agree with everything he
says.
Fathers’s Day is a
day when fathers and sons can take all the time they need to catch up with each other. In
fact, Dad and I have set aside the entire 7th-inning stretch.
I like Father's Day because my
kids obey me. I always tell them not to spend much on gifts, and they never do.
My daughter said, "What kind
of gifts do you like best, Daddy?"
I said, "I like stuff from the hardware store."
So she bought me a screw.
She said, "What do you want
for Father's Day, Daddy?"
I said, "I want a sawhorse."
She said, "Ooooh, gross!"
She couldn't decide whether
to get me cologne or something to wear. So she got me a Scratch 'N Sniff tie.
My son wants 50% of my Father's
Day gifts. He says, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't even be a father.
The person who said any gift is
better than no gift never got a Father's Day gift.
The family took me out to dinner
for Father's Day. I won't say what kind of restaurant it was, but the Father's Day Special
was left over from Mother's Day.
My kids don't appreciate my sense
of humor. It shows in the Father's Day card they bought me. On the front of the card it
says, "Get Well."
My daughter is very creative. For
Father's Day she knitted me a pair of socks out of dental floss.
At least I won't have to worry about plaque buildup around my
toes.
On Father’s Day we took Dad
to an all-you-can-eat buffet, and then brought him home and sat him in front of an
all-you-can-watch TV.
Dads don’t return their
Father’s Day gifts to the exchange counter. This means fathers are satisfied with
what they got—or too ashamed to let anyone see what they got.
